BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELTS -

"THIS JUST IN:" ©

by Norman Liebmann

It's time again to celebrate the late-breaking data notch that alleviates, albeit momentarily, the tedious turbine drone we have come to know as the Network Evening News, that eagerly anticipated interruption given a push into the public's consciousness by the phrase - "THIS JUST IN:" This tele-ritual makes a solid case that there is no such thing as an untimely interruption, particularly when it intrudes on Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, or Peter Jennings. Further, it serves the humane purpose of preventing the nation from succumbing to "anchor-fatigue" and reassures network execs high on their plutocratic perches, that they always have at hand a means of heading off a Nielsen Ratings calamity.

The unscheduled, but nevertheless inevitable bulletin introduced by the media mantra THIS JUST IN: is also used to excite some reflex in Peter (or Tom or Dan) which will assure the gang in the control room his vital signs are still functioning, though, to be on the safe side, during a commercial break they often dispatch a production assistant to hold a hand mirror before his face to detect the humidity that confirms he is still alive and boring. In any consideration, the exercise is academic because the network-types are reconciled that dull copy doesn't get anymore exciting just because a landed flounder in a two thousand dollar suit reads it from a teleprompter, and at the end of the week, everybody will get paid, so what's to worry?

The hot flash bulletin usually proves to be, like Coca-Cola, the "pause that refreshes", with exceptions in the case of those seemingly deceased anchorpersons, Judy Woodruff and Bernard Shaw. Here it meets what is called, appropriately enough, "stiff" resistance. These two first have to be revived before they can be refreshed, resuscitated before they can be revived, dis-embalmed before they can be resuscitated, disinterred before they can be dis-embalmed, and have a Code Blue team by-pass "artificial" respiration and go for the real thing. It seems like a lot of discommode just to interrupt the apathetic twaddle of people who have nothing of particular interest to say in the first place. Apparently, when Ted Turner hired them, he didn't check the labels for their expiration dates - which states they decease sometime between right away and immediately - which ever comes first. Insiders speculate that Turner likes to have a dead person or two around because it brings back fond(a) memories of his wedding night. But that is another, somewhat gamier, story.

These intruding press releases are supposed to carry anti-torpor properties aimed at viewers who rarely manage to stay awake and operative through the twenty-four minutes and thirty seconds of Peter Jennings, whose personality has soporific side effects. Only a trifle more hopeful, Tom Brokaw's viewers are known to be able to circumvent Sleep, and go directly to Coma without collecting two hundred dollars for passing GO. A survey measuring viewer attentiveness indicates Dan Rather could show up on camera nude except for a feather boa and with a canoe paddle up his aperture and the CBS telephone operators would never have to lift a receiver out of its cradle.

The one thing that always seems to make news on television is that nothing is or is supposed to be new on television, due to the programming credo, "Repetition is the sincerest form of repetition." Any one of these reporters could have been on location at the Garden of Eden and made Genesis sound like a rerun. It is hoped these interruptions will slow the media-wide epidemic among journalists of the uncontrolled blather called "Mad Anchorman's Disease." There has been some speculation if you got a lot of these bulletins in the same place at the same time they might try to mate. The fact is, television journalism is all foreplay, more foolin' around than fact - and about as gratifying. Nevertheless, and without further ado - THIS JUST IN:

THIS JUST IN: It's official. Statistics show more blood has been collected from American citizens by the IRS than by the Red Cross.

THIS JUST IN: Clinton has secretly offered to cancel the Department of Justice's law suit against Bill Gates if he agrees to change the name of his company from Microsoft to Moscowsoft.

THIS JUST IN: This month's Feminist Book Club selection is Martha Stewart's, "How to Castrate Your Husband with a Cuisinart."

THIS JUST IN: Bryan Lamb has decided C-SPAN's call-in show is not boring enough and has decided to replace its Moderate Line with a Comatose Line.

THIS JUST IN: A New York bartender has invented a new cocktail inspired by Hillary Clinton's personality. The recipe calls for three jiggers of sulfuric acid with a dash of Listerine.

THIS JUST IN: The New York Times is considering hiring Katie Couric as its new Editor-in-Chief and changing its motto to "All the news that's fit to perk." How precious can ya' get?

THIS JUST IN: After a nation-wide poll, Bryant Gumbel was named the only African-American whose civil rights Martin Luther King, Jr. would not have marched to protect.

THIS JUST IN: The Clinton Legacy will be announced by the year 2190 when it is expected to be no longer in litigation.

THIS JUST IN: There is a new TV game show in preparation called The Price Is Wrong. Each time contestants come up with an incorrect answer, Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein go to their home and confiscate a piece of their personal property.

THIS JUST IN: Bill Clinton has just been elected to enter The Hall of Sperm. Because of his weird relationship with Monica Lewinsky he will be permitted to donate his specimen over the telephone.

THIS JUST IN: It's reported after Al Hunt lectures journalism students, the question they most frequently ask him is, "Why do you always have that sheep squatting on your head?"

THIS JUST IN: Al Gore has just received the endorsement of the NAADP - (the National Association for the Advancement of Dull People)

THIS JUST IN: In what seems like the ultimate in personal rejection, Janet Reno's vibrator didn't show up for their date.

THIS JUST IN: A new poll indicates George W. Bush is a shoo-in for the Republican nomination, but after making a few more of his "compassionate conservative" speeches, he may be able to slide by as a compromise candidate.

THIS JUST IN: The century's most aggravated conflict of interest. Janet Reno just learned only Microsoft can program her new vibrator to be Y2K compliant.

THIS JUST IN: To honor its most frequent visitor, the Los Angeles Police Department has put a revolving door on its drunk tank and will call it the "Can We Get Along" entrance.

THIS JUST IN: After reading Naomi Wolf's book advocating masturbation, All Gore decided she was the right person to take his campaign in hand.

THIS JUST IN: Bill Clinton maintains, only by increasing the size and complexity of the government will Americans ever be free from the oppression of convenience.

THIS JUST IN: It's reported, Hillary Clinton, already suspected of being an anti-Semite, drove another wedge between herself and New York's Jewish voters with her Freudian slip referring to the London Police Department as "Scotland Yid."

THIS JUST IN: From an unexpected source there is yet another vote of "No Confidence" in a member of the Clinton Administration. A crash dummy refused to get into a car with Madeleine Albright behind the wheel.

THIS JUST IN: In another remarkable display of his brand of unswerving integrity, Jesse Jackson announced his position on slavery remains unchanged.

THIS JUST IN: It is reported that Rosie O'Donnell went whale watching and the whales watched back.

THIS JUST IN: Interesting statistic: Of the twenty-seven racial groups that regularly receive money from the government, not surprisingly, Bill Clinton's own race was not among them.

THIS JUST IN: The Arkansas State Police failed to catch a bank robber after a 12 hour chase in which the suspect made good his getaway outdistancing them on a merry-go-round.

THIS JUST IN: Bill Clinton has sent Congress his proposal for a program that would help unwed teenage mothers make the transition into prostitution.

THIS JUST IN: As a tribute to the media's foremost journalistic exponent of the political kiss-ass interview, after Tim Russert retires, NBC will have his lips bronzed.

THIS JUST IN: A former well-known White House intern who recently lost twenty five pounds has been quoted, "Liposuction is good, but it will never replace entire mouth-o-suction."

THIS JUST IN: A prominent historian opined, if Bill Clinton is remembered at all, it will be for his remark, "What this country needs is a lollipop that sucks back."

THIS JUST IN: There is now a special cemetery reserved for attorneys where clients finally get a chance to bury their lawyers in fine print.

THIS JUST IN: All other ways of getting rid of the state of Arkansas having failed, the Navy is going to dispatch a submarine to see if it can sink it.

THIS JUST IN: Folks down in Waco, Texas now refer to a 38-caliber slug as "a Reno calling card."

THIS JUST IN: Satan has found yet another way to torment the damned. He's planning on having Hillary redecorate Hell.

THIS JUST IN: It's reported, Barney Frank had to explain to police he and another man were not performing an indecent act. The man was a tailor who sewed a new zipper in his pants and was biting the thread.

THIS JUST IN: In Al Gore's last physical examination the laboratory reported his blood was normal but they found an acorn in his sperm. The FBI believes it may shed light on Gore's complaint that he's being stalked by a termite.

THIS JUST IN: It's been revealed gun control freak Dianne Feinstein carries a concealed weapon. After setting off the metal detector Feinstein had to wait twelve hours to be searched before the airport security people could find a gynecologist who owned a moon suit.

THIS JUST IN: At a prominent school of Theology seminarians will debate the doctrinal exegesis to determine whether the phrase "God damn Clinton" is a curse, or a prayer."

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